life can only be understood backwards
by ohmytheon
Summary: Chris Mustang never expected to be a mother, especially to an intuitive young Roy and his willful daemon, but that one decision changed the world she and her daemon created. Now, as he grows underneath their watchful eyes, she must make another decision regarding him. (Daemons AU)
**Author's Notes:** I hope you all have as much fun reading about the bajillion headcanons I have about Roy's childhood and daemons as I had writing about them! This has been in my head for a while. I lost the original prompt, but never forgot it, so I'm happy that I was finally able to crank this out. Notes on the daemons will be at the bottom. This is a prequel to **"rummaging in our souls,"** which focuses on Roy and Riza and also technically **"talents of the souls,"** which focuses on Edward, Alphonse, and human transmutation. Those aren't necessary to read to understand this one though since it's set before Roy's daemon settles.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing. It's a sad day.

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 **life can only be understood backwards**

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Chris wasn't one prone to biting her nails, but she found herself growing dangerously close to doing so over the past few years. Who knew motherhood could be so stressful? Especially when it came so unexpectedly. She never planned on being a mother. It wasn't for her. The idea of carrying a child did seem magical on some level, but it was more magical in a spectator sense. She remembered her little brother coming to visit her in Central, the glow on his boyish face as he introduced his pregnant wife.

 _"You'll be his godmother, of course,"_ Thomas had told her over drinks. They had been sitting in the lounge area after hours. His pretty Xingese wife, Liang, had been asleep with her head in his lap and a book hanging loosely in her hands. She had been an avid reader, although he'd admitted to not being able to understand half of what she read since he was still learning her native language. While Amon perched on her shoulder, Thomas' handsome yet plain golden retriever daemon lay curled up protectively around Liang's small bright green lizard daemon. _"We live a fairly boring life compared to you, what with her studies, but just in case…"_

If only those words hadn't come back to haunted Chris. She remembered that night over nine years later. There were nights when she would wake up, out of breath and sweating, Thomas' voice faintly whispering, "Keep in safe and happy for us," in the dark. Amon was always at her side already when she woke up light that, his black eyes glittering in the moonlight as he peered at her.

Chris was not known for promises. She was known for secrets. She could keep a secret to her grave or she could give it away to the highest bidder. She wasn't in the business of keeping promises. In all honesty, the heavy weight of threats that hung over her was what gave her most of her power in the first place. As a child, she had been notorious for breaking things, changing the game, playing by her own rules. She didn't follow society's ways. And so the idea of growing up, getting married, having children, and settling down simply made no sense to her. That was for Thomas, her good-natured and smart, if not a sometimes absent-minded, little brother.

It turned out that it hadn't been for him either in the end and the universe felt it fit to play its own sort of game with her and turn her world on its end in a way she'd never anticipated.

During the day, the once dingy bar that she'd opened up ten years ago could still proclaim to simply be a bar. The blinds were up to let natural light, earthy colors filling the room. Men and women alike would step inside after work to have a drink before being able to drive back home. She could chat with a few of the regulars without the pretense of extracting information or digging for dirt. It was a bit of a relief. There was no subterfuge during the day. She could simply be Chris Mustang. The girls were lighter and more earnestly cheerful. Caroline could lounge behind the bar polishing glasses while Vivian sat down at a table with a group of older men to join them in a round of cards. Chris could sit back and sip on a drink of her own as she listened to the radio.

Most importantly though, Roy could come out and enjoy himself.

If someone had told Chris three years ago that a nine year-old boy would become the staple of the day shift of her bar, she would have laughed and called that person a cab home. There was certainly no room for children in her world, especially not with the kind of life she led and business she ran. And yet, when she'd received the belated news of her little brother's and his wife's deaths, she had put out all the stops to find his living son. It had cost her money and many waking nights, but she hadn't cared about how many palms she had to grease or how much work she had to give for free, she had needed to find her nephew.

Chris had made a promise to her brother Thomas, and it was the one promise she swore to keep.

When she'd finally found the boy in a grimy orphanage in the South near the Aurego border, both she and Amon had been shocked to find that his daemon hadn't settled. Normally, something as traumatic as watching their parents' die and living to tell the tale would settle a child's daemon. Add on the fact that he'd been stuck alone in an orphanage for three months, and the daemon should've settled quickly. But no, his daemon, named Shula as the headmistress of the orphanage told her, had steadfastly refused to settle.

 _"He's a very stubborn child, always in need of a firm hand, his immature daemon even worse,"_ the woman had sighed irritably. _"He will be a handful for you. No doubt a woman…unused to children will grow tired of him and toss him away again."_

It had taken everything in Chris not to throttle the woman right there. Stubbornness was a Mustang trait. It ran thick in their family. Even kind Thomas had had a vicious stubborn streak; she'd seen him get pummeled for standing up to a bully when he was thirteen. It was true that Chris had been wary and uncomfortable with the idea of taking an six year-old boy into her home and raising him as her own, but it had been that woman's cold dismissal of her that had strengthened all the resolve that Chris needed for her to know she was making the right decision. This boy was her nephew and she was the only family he had left.

She'd seen what happened to people and their daemons when left to grow on their own; it turned them dangerous and wild. She could not let that happen to Thomas' son.

And how much he had changed since the moment she'd taken them from the orphanage and brought them back to live with her in Central. Roy had the same lopsided smile as his mother, her looks all too distinct in him. He would never look like the picture of Amestris, but that didn't seem to matter. He spoke clearly and precisely for his age and devoured books at the same rate as his mother. When he'd asked about books on alchemy, she hadn't even hesitated. One bared open look from him and she found herself buying him a shelf-load of books. If she didn't know any better, she would think that some of the girls were teaching him manipulation techniques.

"And how's Roy doing today?" one of the regular daytime bar patrons, Louis, asked. He was an older businessman that always came in right on the dot at four and ordered two bourbons neat. A very congenial man, all of the girls adored him because he was one of the few patrons that they didn't have to play charades with or avoid due to a handsy nature. He was also a recent widower with no children, but she didn't let the girls know that. It would only make them sad and she knew that Louis didn't want any pity. His bluejay daemon always sat on the bar at his hands, a quiet thing so little compared to Chris' raven daemon.

When it came to the young boy that frequented the bar during the day, Louis was always kind and took special note of the kid. Chris always kept a close eye on Roy whenever he was down there with them, but an even closer eye on the people that spoke to them. She knew that even people with the most innocent daemons could turn out to have dark secrets; she'd exposed quite a few of them, in fact. Louis was one of those lucky people that she could trust with Roy and she relaxed in her chair as Roy bounced over towards him.

"I'm doing well, Mr. Louis," Roy proclaimed. His daemon, Shula, shifted from a border collie puppy to a raven. She had a habit of doing that whenever Roy spoke to customers, like she was trying to be Amon. It made Chris smile inwardly and Amon fluff his feathers, but both of them knew in their hearts that Roy's Shula would never settle as a bird. She was too big of spirit. She couldn't imagine Shula settling as anything small.

"I presume you haven't been slacking on your studies?"

"No, sir, not if I want to study alchemy soon," Roy said emphatically. "Aunt Christmas wouldn't let me anyways. She does not like excuses."

Louis and Caroline behind the bar laughed, their daemons chuckling as well, both at Roy's earnest description of Chris and his name for her. When she'd first explained to him who she was at the orphanage, he hadn't been listening very well. Withdrawn and suspicious, he'd focused on coloring surprisingly detailed though still childish drawing of his parents. By the time she was able to convince him to speak with her, it turned that he'd misheard her and thought she'd said that her name was "Christmas" and not "Chris Mustang". The name was a hit with the girls and the next thing she knew she was being called "Madam Christmas".

It did have a nice ring to it. Instead of presents, she had secrets, and if anyone were naughty, well, coal would probably be a more pleasant gift.

"Long day at work?" Roy asked conversationally, mimicking the way that the girls talked to many of the patrons. Shula hopped from Roy's shoulder to the bartop. Although still in raven form, she was nearly the same size as Louis' bluejay. Chris had always found it interesting that daemons seemed to grow with their humans.

"Too long," Louis responded, "but luckily Caroline's sweet company always makes the day better."

"The alcohol must be going to your head," Caroline teased.

"I've never heard anyone accuse Caroline of being sweet," her beautiful rainbow boa daemon Meir added. As a medium-sized snake, he tended to stay behind the bar at night, in case people got nervous. Some people didn't like snake daemons, though she couldn't understand why. Amon was comfortable with all the girls' daemons, but others weren't so brave or understanding. During the day though, Meir liked to talk and socialize with the patrons. Louis' bluejay daemon chuckled as he hopped around Shula, who shifted into a smaller bluejay.

Roy watched the interaction carefully. The boy could chatter until his face turned blue, but he also knew when to listen. It wouldn't be difficult at all to teach him their ways. Already he seemed to pick up on it. She could tell that he was memorizing the way that the girls spoke to customers and filing it in the back of his head for later use. He could dial up the charm whenever a female patron came in. Shula would turn into a pretty daemon while Roy gave a flowery comment to the woman or rattled off a few lines of poetry. It was a near mirror image of the way the girls acted with some of the male patrons.

He was good at this life, even if it wasn't the one that he'd anticipated either. Had his parents still been alive, Roy would've never known this world. Having been thrust into it though, he'd accepted it with gusto and strived to fit in. Still, his daemon hadn't settled through all the upheaval. Chris couldn't help but wonder what it would take to get his soul to quiet down.

Once Louis and Caroline began to talk, Roy and Shula, now a fox cub, zipped through the bar, weaving their way through the tables as they played. Chris never bothered to tell them to stop running as long as they were careful not to bump into someone. A man at a corner table dropped his hat on top of Roy's head while Shula playfully swiped at their daemons. The hat was too large for Roy, but that didn't stop him from grinning and running over to Chris.

"Look, Aunt Chris; I look like an adult!" Roy did not look like an adult upon simply wearing a hat. The true that it was too big made him look even more like a child, in fact. Though he was only nine, she could tell that Roy would always have a boyish face, even when he was an adult. That would definitely come in handy. Depending on what he decided to do, people would underestimate him because he looked so young, just as people tended to do the same because of her looks. What were looks if not a tool to use?

"Very handsome," Amon tutted, causing Roy to beam even brighter. After Shula shifted into the form of a black wolf in an equal attempt to look handsome and more like an adult, Amon glided from Chris' shoulder to sit on Shula's back and gently preen her. The two of them seemed to blend into one another as Shula's soft fur matched the color of Amon's glossy feathers. "You're both growing up so fast. Soon, you'll be all grown up and as old as us."

"You're not old!" Shula insisted.

"You're very pretty," Roy added.

Chris laughed. "Oh, both of you complimenting me now? You must want something."

"Men should always compliment a smart, beautiful lady," Roy told her with all the wisdom he'd retained from this small shady bar. His earnest tone, combined with Shula's bright glowing eyes, was a winning strategy. Anyone else would've been knocked out of the park. Oh, yes, he was very good at this.

Amon tugged on Shula's ear, hard enough to get her to shake her head but not hurt her. He was always so delicate with her. "A person whose ego is inflated with compliments is more likely to say yes to a request."

Perhaps the largest and most surprising change in bringing Roy and Shula in their home and lives had been in Amon. The daemon was at ease with the girls' daemons, comfortable enough to speak to both the daemons and their humans, but he always kept a bit of distance between himself and others. With patrons, he came off as aloof, choosing to only speak with their daemons and even then very little. He was observant and quiet, though when he did choose to speak, he tended to be sharp. That was the way they worked together. Amon was never exactly cold to other daemons, but he wasn't warm either.

It made Amon's behavior with Shula even more astounding. Chris could honestly say that she had never seen Amon behave so warmly towards anyone else besides her, but she could feel the fondness that Amon held in his heart for the unsettled daemon. A fierce protectiveness thrummed in her soul whenever Shula and Roy were in the same room as them. Amon had taken to Shula the second he'd laid eyes on the two of them in the orphanage. He'd been sitting in the corner of the room alone, Shula a young lion cub daemon laying partially on him and glaring at everyone else.

Despite his distant behavior with everyone else, it wasn't unusual for Amon to sit on Shula or peck at her feet. She hadn't seen him play like this since they had been children, when Thomas was still a toddler, and it amazed her every day when she watched Amon behave in such an uncharacteristic way. When Amon got something into his head, it was near impossible to convince him to let it go. The desire to protect Roy and Shula and to help them succeed in life was so strong that it was hard for her to tell where hers began and his ended.

"We were just being nice," Shula said as she tried to look at Amon, who hopped about lightly on her back.

"But if you're feeling nice too, Aunt Christmas," Roy continued, a tremulous smile appearing on his face as he gripped the hat on top of his head, "you could get me a hat."

"Oh, I could?" Chris responded. His look never wavered as he stared her down. Even Shula seemed to be smiling at her. The two of them were on the same level. A hat meant little to Shula, but Amon said that the little daemon was beginning to enjoy the games that they played. "And cover up that handsome hair of yours?"

At that, Roy faltered. He pulled the hat off and gazed down at it. Chris was surprised to see sadness on the boy's face as looked at the hat, the smile no longer there. Shula gave him a worried look and bumped into his leg, but he didn't seem to notice her. "Yes," he said in a quiet voice. "None of the other kids at school have black hair. They make fun of me and say I'm weird."

"Really now?" Chris' heart began to beat a little faster. She hadn't had any idea that he was being teased in school. He had apparently been home-schooled by Thomas and Liang when they'd been alive because of all the moving around that they did, but she hadn't had a clue how to do the same thing and sent him to school instead. It was true that Roy looked nothing like a typical Amestrian, having taken completely after his mother, but she didn't know that he was being mocked for it.

Amon ruffled his feathers in agitation, furious that they hadn't known this. Shula must not have said anything about it either, most likely at the behest of Roy. He did hate causing problems for her; she thought that he might be worried that she would send him and Shula back to the orphanage if he upset her.

"I have black hair," Chris pointed out. "Do you think I'm weird?"

"You dye your hair," Roy blurted. Of course he would notice that. He was incredibly observant for a child, but had not yet outgrown the bluntness that many children possessed. She liked it and would be sad when it eventually went away. "If I can wear a hat, I can hide my hair and look more like the other kids. Dad wore a hat like this."

If Chris' heart hadn't been beating faster already, she was afraid that it might've stopped right then. Roy didn't talk about his parents much. It hurt. Besides, he was young and his memory of them was already fading fast, like he was forgetting them to protect himself. The vibrant world she had built up around him was slowly becoming all that he knew. Shula talked even less, but Amon told her of how Shula had been conscious during the car crash and seen his parents' daemon vanish into dust upon their deaths. It must've hurt horribly to learn the fate of daemons at such a young age. She apparently hadn't told Roy yet what she'd seen, but Chris thought he knew already from the way he clung to his daemon sometimes.

"We'll go to the shopping district tomorrow," Chris found herself saying.

"And find a hat that actually fits you," Amon finished.

Roy looked up to beam at her. "Thank you!" He turned on his heels and rushed to give the man his hat back.

"You're very kind," Shula said. There was something in her eyes, perhaps a deeper understanding. She alone knew how Roy was dealing with the loss of his parents and sudden change in his life. Although he laughed and smiled, played and teased, did well in his studies and slept the proper amount, he still didn't talk about what happened and never had. Getting anything out of him was more different than prying a straight answer out of a politician. The only one he confided in was Shula, and she kept her mouth shut tight concerning him. As protective as Amon and Chris felt of them, no one was more protective of Roy than his Shula.

And just like that, Shula changed. She twisted around and playfully nipped at Amon, who jumped up and hovered for a moment before flying back to Chris' shoulder. Upon shifting into a hawk, she darted back over to Roy and circled over his head before sitting on his arm and turning into a salamander. She was young again, as bright and cheeky as Roy.

Amon and Chris watched as Ellie, her newest girl, began to dance with Roy near the stage, her spright sheltie daemon hopping around them. Roy laughed as the two of them did their jig, nowhere near an actual dance but fun for a child nonetheless. Ellie was good with him. She was able to bring the child out in him again whenever Roy faltered and randomly began to close in on himself.

"Have you considered the letter from Colonel Grumman?" Amon suddenly asked her, his sharp eyes never once leaving the young boy before them. Chris nodded her head. "And what do you think?"

"I think," Chris said, "that this is the best opportunity for Roy if he truly wants to study alchemy."

Amon nodded his head. "I've never seen such an intense desire to learn in a child." There was a frown in his voice, one that Chris was able to pick out immediately. He spoke like that whenever he was thinking about something that troubled him. "They'll burn brightly, maybe too bright."

"Then we'll just have to be there to help shield them."

"Can we do that if we send him away?" Amon asked, looking at her and tilting his head. He didn't like the idea of Roy and Shula leaving them, but it was the only way. They couldn't give him what he needed to grow, not in that area at least, and he wanted to grow, needed to grow. Already he was filling out the shoes that he had to wear in order to live in this world. "How can we protect them then?"

"We can't, not completely," Chris conceded, "but it's the only way. Perhaps we could find an alchemist here in Central that would take him on as an apprentice, but we both know this is the best chance."

"And the fact that Grumman is using your nephew in an attempt to spy on a reclusive alchemist doesn't bother you?" Amon always got to the heart of things in the sharpest of ways. He didn't mind if his talons or beak brought a little blood upon unearthing truths, even with her. It was refreshing. In their world, there were so many pretenses and ulterior motives, but never with him. Amon was honest and her greatest conscience. He also had a way of bringing up many uncomfortable thoughts that resided in her mind. "You heard Major Grand. Whoever this Berthold Hawkeye is, he's rejected three offers to join the State Alchemist program. That's unheard of. The military must want whatever his specialty is badly."

Chris took a deep breath. "It's a risk we'll have to take. And if his specialty in alchemy is that important, then it stands he would pass along his information to his apprentice. This is Roy's ticket." She humored her daemon with a smile. "Besides, you can't expect to get anything for free. You knew just as well as I that Grumman wouldn't give us this information out of the goodness of his heart."

Amon harrumphed in response. "That man and his daemon are as sly as, well, foxes."

Returning his gaze back to Roy and Shula, who was now in the form of what looked like a cougar cub, Amon went silent once more. Both the boy and his daemon had wild imaginations, which meant that Shula played at being many different types of animals that weren't usual in the area. Central was filled with mostly domesticated animal daemons, but there was far too much wildness in Roy for Shula to be anything like that. It would definitely be interesting to see what she settled as. No doubt it would a shock.

Yes, bringing in Roy and Shula had certainly changed Chris' life. However, while raising a child and his willful daemon brought many difficulties, she also wouldn't change her decision in the slightest. She'd make a promise to her little brother and she intended to fulfill it to the greatest of her abilities. If Roy wanted to study alchemy, then she would find it in her way to give him the best alchemy teacher that would pave a golden path to his future. She had a feeling though that Roy would do most of the work. He was tenacious and strong. He couldn't not be and still have an unsettled daemon after everything that he'd gone through and lost.

For now, all she and Amon could do was watch him grow and guide him, but she knew that it wouldn't be long before Roy and Shula left the nest and began to fly on their own. Their spirits were too free, their hearts too open, their minds too strong. Nothing would be able to hold them down. She hoped that was a good thing. Amon nuzzled against her, his wary emotions mirroring hers perfectly. She hadn't hoped for much of anything until that first night Roy and Shula had slept under her roof. They changed so much in her life; she could only wonder what they might change in the world.

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roy mustang - unsettled (settles as: african lion) - shula: means "flame" in arabic  
chris mustang - little raven - amon: means "the hidden one"  
thomas mustang - golden retriever - unnamed  
liang mustang - chinese water dragon - unnamed  
grumman - arctic fox - unnamed  
caroline (oc) - rainbow boa - meir: means "giving light"  
ellie (oc) - sheltie - unnamed  
louis (oc) - bluejay - unnamed


End file.
